Today I am feeling very human and a tad fragile because yesterday I had a horrific migraine requiring a trip to the Emergency room. If any of you get migraines you don't need any further explanation. And for the ones who don't it seems cruel to share the excruciating symptoms, so I won't.
My part of getting good care is trying to remember to breathe ( Catherine helped me with that) and to be patient. Here's my dilemma, when it feels as though my head is going to rupture and razor blades are going to coming flying out of my brain it's a tad difficult to be patient.
When I am finally seen I barely manage to tell them,"Here's the combination of drugs that the previous physicians right here in your very own emergency room have come up with that actually works rather quickly and thoroughly which seems to be in both of our best interests (I'm better and go home and you have a bed for the next person anxiously awaiting their care)," And then I give the list. Please understand at this point I would rather throw myself under a bus then have to speak at all because any motion or activity makes me puke. All the time wondering why I have to tell them at all ESPECIALLY since it is all right there in my chart! "Has this protocol worked before?" "Yes it is the ONLY one that has ever worked completely." They leave the room, "to see what we can do for you."
"What you can do for me???? I just f*cking told you what you can do for me because you are the facility that figured it out! Read your own notes!"
Here's the journey: while I am laying there sometimes crying but not as much as I want because it hurts too much to cry, I am saying every prayer I know. I think of all the people in the world who live with chronic pain, emotional and physical, and I pray for their will power, their strength and I pray for them. I think of how I am one with the whole and healing is somewhere so tap into the healing. I think this is only temporary, they will fix you or you will probably die when your head finally explodes. I think about how I am perfect just the way I am and that everything is happening for a reason. I go to my happy spot, laying by the beach, hearing the waves, feeling the sand and the sun ( with sunscreen of course), I am totally quiet and do nothing.
I think of all the remedies that have been shared with me over the years and wonder will one ever work for me?
But in those moments when I can not surrender to the pain or manage the pain on my own, one of my loving family members gently suggests it's time to go to the emergency room and in that moment I feel broken. All the healing work I've done, all the spiritual work , all of the energy work and all the prayers have not worked and I am now going to have my little 125 lb body filled with drugs because all I want to do in that moment is have one moment of relief.
My beliefs seem to get in the way. I think I am an easy patient. I know what's wrong and you have the means to fix it, what's the problem? In and out would be good for both of us. If you are worried that I am a junkie do a quick urine or blood test and find out. When I have made it as long as I can at home and finally end up on a stretcher the 1-2 hours ( sometimes much longer) for you to figure it out seems like forever. If it was the last 1-2 hours I had with a dying loved one I understand it isn't that long but that's not the case - razor blades are swirling in my brain and creating a huge force that is about to rupture!!!! That's the case.
Once in Houston I was in the waiting room for 4 hours and when they finally took me back they argued with the protocol that I knew was effective. This is what makes normally somewhat sane human beings like myself loose it. And then on top of it wouldn't give me the treatment I knew would work and I still left with the headache and a shrug of the shoulders, " This is what we do for headaches here."
If anyone has Cindy McCain's telephone number I would love to talked to her. I'm glad her husband didn't elected but I sure as hell admire her ability to be on a campaign trail with migraines. Walking to the car felt monumental to me yesterday, I can't begin to imagine all she went through.
I could make a list of hundreds of things people shared with me over the years from causes to cures. Some from family and friends and some from physicians but so far no relief or sure fire cause. One migraine med prescribed by a doctor made me feel like I was having a heartache. I opted not to take that again.
I know when they are coming, which ones are from allergies but the ones form the unknown are the most difficult. More often than not I am able to manage at home and that seems like such a victory.
I still can honestly say that with all my heart I believe someday someone is going to have the answer. Many a meditation and prayer have gone up from me that the answer would somehow fall into my lap and I'm still trusting that to happen.
Why am I writing this post? Well because I continue to be inspired by two women who are all about the truth. Brene' Brown who has taught me about being authentic, telling truth and to do my best not to compare myself to others. I knew I was comparing myself yesterday in the ER and it really did just make matters worse. And Danielle Laporte because I want to live the White Hot Truth she is rocking the world with.
It's a beautiful spring day in Boulder, Colorado.
Today, all is well in my world. A little groggy but still good.
Today, I am healthy, pain free and grateful that my head is in tact.
Love, healing and well being to all.
enJoy,
Grace
1 comments:
As a mom of child who has suffered from migraines for 14 years I have spent many hours in darkened rooms.Sometimes just sitting on the floor by his bed ,because it hurt him to much to hold him.I truely hope you find an answer.I share your frustration with the medical side of it,and have spent alot of time feeling angry as they seem to be thowing darts to find something that helps.Justin has grown to be a very strong person with an amazing sense of humor about this part of his life(his top ten list of the worst thing to throw up,throwing up as a work out program for building your abs).He accepts it as part of his life,and made the choice at 14 to not use meds. I still spend countless hours looking for an anwser,as a mom thats just what you do.I hope your answer comes soon,and I hope the bad ones are very few and very far between.
love ya Teresa
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