The retreat led by Jen, Phyllis and Carin hit the mark completely. The title didn't really sink in or have much meaning for me until Sunday morning when I realized that Integrating in the Rockies was not just about meeting and bonding with women from all over the country and even one blessed soul from Canada it was to integrate ME! I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed that weekend. LOL. I often think it is necessary to share all the details of a weekend workshop like that so everyone can get the full picture but this time I'm not going to do that. Suffice it to say there is something beautifully sacred that happens when women of all different backgrounds, ages and stages of life come together and simply be. As I write that sentence I realize there in is the discovery and the healing. It's challenging for us sometimes to just be. To relinquish our titles, our stories, our heartaches and our expectations but when we do, lo and behold,we are welcomed and received with loving arms and hearts. And that is precisely what it takes sometimes to meet yourself in a weekend retreat with 10 strangers who become your soul sisters.
I don't take this for granted for one single moment. Growing up with 4 brothers I didn't exactly know how to be a good friend to other girls. Being happy to play football, climb a tree, catch a snake to carry in my pocket or jump from a rooftop wasn't considered very girly 50 years ago. I had lots of boys to hang out with but not many invitations from the girls in the neighborhood. Since I was having so much fun I didn't really know what I was missing until puberty. All of a sudden, what had previously been cool to do wasn't acceptable any longer. The boys didn't want me ruining their fun and I didn't even know where all the girls were.
Fast forward to today. I can't begin to imagine my life without my girlfriends. Well, I guess that's not true. I can. It would be horrible and lonely. My girlfriends enrich my life every day in countless ways. Just yesterday, I was having a very big pity party(I'm surprised there weren't violins) and I called my dear friend, Mrs. B. Everyone should have a Mrs. B. I aspire to be the woman she thinks I am. Basking in her love and acceptance is nothing short of a miracle. When I can't find one single scrap of evidence to justify my taking up oxygen(it was a HUGE pity party) just hearing her voice reminds me of all that is good in the world, in one another and in myself. Mrs.B wasn't there when I called and her lovely daughter answered the phone. For a nanosecond I panicked when she told me Mrs. B was out of town. Gulp, I guess I'm going under. Nope, not true, not even close. If you are a loving being like Mrs.B then chances are some of that will be planted in your children and then they get to pass along the love just as well as their Mama does. After hearing her daughter's voice and laughter I realized love is love is love.
And love, woman to woman, in sisterhood, in motherhood, in second generation friendship soothes the soul in a way that makes me happy to be alive.
Being the oldest of my parents 5 children always made me long for a sister. Don't get me wrong having 4 younger brothers came with a million unexpected joys and adventures which have only gotten better as we have aged but there was still that missing connection.
Learning how to be a good friend to women was filled with trials and errors and quite a few memorable disasters. But once I got the hang of it life improved immeasurably. The reflection of life from a girlfriend is priceless. A good girlfriend is one of life's greatest gifts. When we were on the retreat it was mentioned more than once how important it is to gather with women. I don't think we were ever exactly able to pinpoint the why of that, but we all felt it and knew what it was in our heart and souls.
Today is the 15 year anniversary of the day our precious Sean died. My heart and soul sister Susan Fox who is currently running around New York like a chicken with her head cut off, since this is her busiest season of the year, made sure that not one but 2 cards arrived in the mail (yesterday) to remind me of all the love present in my life and especially in her heart just in case I would forget for a moment today. No way, when I was the dorky little tomboy, did I imagine a life blessed with more girl friends than I could count. And don't even get my started on the miracle of having grown up daughters x0x0x
There is a sadness in my heart today because my son is not with us. As his Dad says it's there every day not just on his birthday or the day he died and that's true. And, what is also true is the love we are surrounded by and filled with every day of our life.
This December 11th, I pick love and I choose to see it wherever I look.
Gratefully yours,
Grace
13 comments:
beautiful, grace...
I agree Mom! I love reading your words and I am so thankful for all of the love and support we surround our family with. I too have amazing girl friends, I woke up yesterday morning to a text from Liz saying how much she loves me, a message from Amenee and a sweet sweet hug from Dracey. Thank you for modeling how important it is to have such wonderful girlfriends! And thanks to all of my mom's wonderful girlfriends because your love for her filters down to us!
Oh, Honey! Your tomboy self was a great friend! Who else would I have torn through all the coasters at Hershey Park with? And then stuffed rotisserie chicken down our throats - with out fingers! I still laugh at that memory and many others. We may see each other once every twenty years or so but the memory of our young and crazy friendship is embedded in my heart. Just as you are today, and always.
Beautiful and felt piece, Grace. I am sorry for the loss of your son, not a pain I can fathom, but I hear your pain.
I have several intimate friends that help provide my life with the joy it has. These girlfriends I call my Vitamin G's! Many dark times in my life I would not have maid it through, if not for their love and support.
Wonderful to hear you have some of these Vitamin G's in your life as well! Hope to see you soon!
Dearest Grace - you are a gift and there is enough oxygen for me and for you. We will make it through this journey. My therapist told me his definition of mental health meant accepting that the journey of life was a process. That we wouldn't just arrive one day and have it figured out but that we were garnering the mechanisms to participate in the process and not beating ourselves up for stumbling from time to time. I have had the best week I can remember in a long time and the worst last 15 hours I have had since that night where I lost my shit a couple of months ago. But that is just it. There is never just a getting to the happy place and staying there. GAH! If only. I admire you and your journey. You are acknowledging your issues and constantly working on them. Bravo to you for your bravery. And thank you for being you. I love you!
I love you so much. Our chat yesterday was wonderful, and i'm hoping next time you call ME on purpose. :)
Sending you, your family, and sweet Sean all the love i posess.
XOXOXO
Gracie, I hope someday you will actually feel how much you are loved. It's big amount of love'ng.
Girlfriend!
Oh Grace, so glad to be one of your girlfriends. I can't imagine my life without you. Big hugs...and I will light a candle for Sean as I do for John tomorrow night. xoxo
sending love to you beautiful—GRACE—xoxoxoxo
It was a delight to meet you. I think of you o' so often. I like what Amy says - we are always on the journey -
peace to you
Grace, this is absolutely lovely....my heart goes out to you!
You are loved thank you for reminding me.
I firmly believe that we choose to see what we want to see, which doesn't mean we should turn away from our pain, our struggles, our losses, but that there is still beauty and grace to be found in all of that, in everything.
In YOU.
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